I’ve been M.I.A lately and I’ve struggled to find any motivation to write, being completely honest I’ve found no joy in writing when I have tried – so I took a break for a few weeks. Writing is like therapy for me – and in that frame of mind I wasn’t getting anything from it. Someone I know asked a few weeks back how my blog was going and when I said I wasn’t inspired or didn’t feel like writing about anything – he said – “that in itself is worth writing about surely?! Share your experiences – the lows as well as the highs”
So here I am..
The person in those photo’s are me, the both sides of me – that are BOTH suffering with anxiety. It’s an invisible illness for the most part, and people need to understand that – it doesn’t just go away like a virus, it sits on your shoulder and can creep up on you out of no where. I can walk into a room with a smile plastered on my face but under that smile im struggling to catch a breath, my limbs will go numb and my vision gets blurred. But when im asked how I am – I’ll reply “yeah im good thanks” – im the furthest thing from fine – but who wants to listen to Debbie downer explaining how she really feels!
When anxiety hits me at home – this is the best case scenario – im in my comfort zone with no one to feel embarrassed around, I can breakdown and not need to be concerned about making anyone feel awkward or ruining anyone’s day with my irrational thoughts and feelings. But it doesn’t stop. I spend the whole day usually unsettled and being sick from getting so worked up. I will feel faint and dizzy. It eats you up until you feel insane.
The other side of anxiety is that person you see with a full face of make up and a smile from ear to ear – half the time you’ll find me in the toilets having panic attacks, trying to breathe and avoiding people because I feel like the most boring person in the room – because rather than being able to converse with the rest of the group I’m trying to hold myself together, trying to keep those bloody tears from rolling down my face and ruining ANOTHER pair of lashes! Trying to catch a breath that’s deep enough to satisfy my brain before I pass out. If you really look behind the smile you’ll see all the anxious tics too.
In public; whether that be work, shopping or socialising im activly trying to find ways to handle the anxiety, its impossible some days but other days I make progress. I try to push myself and it feels pathetic sometimes that I celebrate leaving the house on bad days, or make it through my shift when I’ve woken up with that paralysing feeling that’s becoming much too familiar.. When did this become my reality?!
I’ve found myself in a place now where im leaving the house much more than I was this time last year, and im making baby steps towards managing my mental health – rather than my mental health managing me. I’m currently taking beta blockers and now an anti-depressant that is prescribed to help with anxiety. This wasn’t the route I wanted to go down but short-term I needed something to help get me out of the house and back to work. I’m waiting to attend anxiety management classes (which I think will help me the most) and then its been suggested that counselling would help me when im in a better place. This is so personal to share but it helps me and it could help others to know they aren’t alone even when it feels like you are.
After sharing how I deal day-to-day with anxiety a few months back – I felt like I didn’t want to not mention it again and just go about acting as though I was cured – because I’m not, and currently my mental health is still dictating a lot of what I do, where I go & who I see in my life. I look forward to the days I can commit to plans and not cancel on friends because it’s a huge part of my personality at the moment – and honestly I hate it.
I want to take this opportunity to thank my family, friends and work colleagues for being so patient with me, and supporting me through each day. I couldn’t do it with out you all.