The two sides of Anxiety..

The two sides of Anxiety..

I’ve been M.I.A lately and I’ve struggled to find any motivation to write, being completely honest I’ve found no joy in writing when I have tried – so I took a break for a few weeks.  Writing is like therapy for me – and in that frame of mind I wasn’t getting anything from it.  Someone I know asked a few weeks back how my blog was going and when I said I wasn’t inspired or didn’t feel like writing about anything – he said – “that in itself is worth writing about surely?!  Share your experiences – the lows as well as the highs”

So here I am..

The person in those photo’s are me, the both sides of me – that are BOTH suffering with anxiety.  It’s an invisible illness for the most part, and people need to understand that – it doesn’t just go away like a virus, it sits on your shoulder and can creep up on you out of no where.  I can walk into a room with a smile plastered on my face but under that smile im struggling to catch a breath, my limbs will go numb and my vision gets blurred.  But when im asked how I am – I’ll reply “yeah im good thanks” – im the furthest thing from fine – but who wants to listen to Debbie downer explaining how she really feels!

When anxiety hits me at home – this is the best case scenario – im in my comfort zone with no one to feel embarrassed around, I can breakdown and not need to be concerned about making anyone feel awkward or ruining anyone’s day with my irrational thoughts and feelings.   But it doesn’t stop.  I spend the whole day usually unsettled and being sick from getting so worked up.  I will feel faint and dizzy.  It eats you up until you feel insane.

The other side of anxiety is that person you see with a full face of make up and a smile from ear to ear – half the time you’ll find me in the toilets having panic attacks, trying to breathe and avoiding people because I feel like the most boring person in the room – because rather than being able to converse with the rest of the group I’m trying to hold myself together, trying to keep those bloody tears from rolling down my face and ruining ANOTHER pair of lashes!  Trying to catch a breath that’s deep enough to satisfy my brain before I pass out.  If you really look behind the smile you’ll see all the anxious tics too.

In public; whether that be work, shopping or socialising im activly trying to find ways to handle the anxiety, its impossible some days but other days I make progress.  I try to push myself and it feels pathetic sometimes that I celebrate leaving the house on bad days, or make it through my shift when I’ve woken up with that paralysing feeling that’s becoming much too familiar..  When did this become my reality?!

I’ve found myself in a place now where im leaving the house much more than I was this time last year, and im making baby steps towards managing my mental health – rather than my mental health managing me.  I’m currently taking beta blockers and now an anti-depressant that is prescribed to help with anxiety.  This wasn’t the route I wanted to go down but short-term I needed something to help get me out of the house and back to work.  I’m waiting to attend anxiety management classes (which I think will help me the most) and then its been suggested that counselling would help me when im in a better place.  This is so personal to share but it helps me and it could help others to know they aren’t alone even when it feels like you are.

After sharing how I deal day-to-day with anxiety a few months back – I felt like I didn’t want to not mention it again and just go about acting as though I was cured – because I’m not, and currently my mental health is still dictating a lot of what I do, where I go & who I see in my life.  I look forward to the days I can commit to plans and not cancel on friends because it’s a huge part of my personality at the moment – and honestly I hate it.

I want to take this opportunity to thank my family, friends and work colleagues for being so patient with me, and supporting me through each day.  I couldn’t do it with out you all.

 

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11 Comments

  1. Rhys
    March 14, 2017 / 8:50 pm

    Very proud of you every day! I know how much it took for you to share this, we will find a way to make things better together! Partners!! Love Rhys x

  2. Jenni Brittian
    March 14, 2017 / 9:25 pm

    Jade, I know exactly how you feel, because I suffer with this as well.

    You an an absolute inspiration to me because there is no way I could write a blog, I wouldn’t know where to start and would be anxious about people reading it.

    Please don’t give it up you are doing so well and you should be extremely proud of yourself

    Love
    Jenni

  3. linda sma
    March 14, 2017 / 9:42 pm

    oh jade I cried when reading this. You are the most beautiful soul and I am hoping and praying you beat this demon and regain your life back. You are so strong a day brave to share these feelings with others and I love you very much xxxx

  4. Katie
    March 15, 2017 / 12:10 am

    Jade,
    What a wonderful well written piece. It take a lot of courage to put out all your inner most personal feelings for ppl to read. Well done. Part of my anxiety is not sleeping. That’s and all the other things you mention. Stay strong Hun. Your an inspiration. KD xxxxzx

  5. Jason
    March 15, 2017 / 9:09 am

    Keep battling lil Sis I know it’s not easy but you will beat it xxxx

  6. Amanda
    March 15, 2017 / 9:14 am

    Jade reading this you Inspire loads of people suffering with this demon and fighting to overcome it. Dont stop writing and expressing yourself this is all of you and what a beautiful inspiration you are. Look forward to reading more and with the way you write a book soon. Stay strong love you xx

  7. Pat
    March 15, 2017 / 5:38 pm

    Oh Jade, I know you don’t really know me (but if Rhys loves you, you are a very special person). How very brave you are to share this most awful bloody debilitating disease! I guess everyone has told you that your not alone and that we’ve all suffered some way or another but hey sweetie that isn’t what you want to hear on those dark days eh? But it is so true – just remember you’re not down there alone – all of our love and hugs are being sent your way! So hold on to that and it will pass, promise!!!! xxxxx

  8. Daniel
    March 15, 2017 / 9:27 pm

    Lovely blog!! Truthful and heartfelt. Very inspirational.

  9. Yasmin
    March 16, 2017 / 9:37 am

    Awwww Jade! You are inspiration to everyone, no one could wright a blog, you are very strong . You are beautiful inside and out. I hope this will go away and you are free from it for ever. Dont give up . Love u
    Yasmin
    Xxx

  10. Heather Canady
    March 19, 2017 / 6:43 pm

    You’re not the only one. I’m here with you. This is my life too. I truly understand. Xxx thank you for sharing this. It’s what a lot of people need to understand. We look okay 👌🏻 n the outside, but what is inside is chaos and uncertainty and a lot of trembles. It’s mostly completely debilitating. I’m there with you too.

  11. June 10, 2017 / 1:52 pm

    I still haven’t met people with anxiety in real life and I would really like to. I love hands on experiences. I know y ou must be going through a lot that I don’t understand. I’m glad you had the courage to share what you deal with especially helping with awareness.
    Thank God you have a good support system. I know with time, maybe everything will get easier. Till then, stay strong. you obviously are. Even when we can’t see it.

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